Archive for the ‘News’ Category


Key – Chapters 19 and 20

Chapter 19 10:45PM
Gretchen spied Delmar making an exit toward the pool tables.  Pretending she needed to put away a high ball she had been drying for over five minutes, she sauntered over as Reid was getting off the stool.
Going somewhere?

Specifically somewhere.  I really need to go rest in your lav.

Gretchen laughed.
Wear your shoes.

Sores, once slightly scabbed, re-opened as Reid forced Timberlands onto his feet.  He worked his way through the World Cup crowd, flicking the switch on as he entered the Tiki water closet.  Once his pupils dilated to allow in enough light for recognition, the toilet shone to the left.  Shone sounded like moonlight tractor-beamed on the throne as if Jesus dropped off kids here.  Further light shined in so Reid could see the place was so filthy it was beneficial to leave the light off.  Reid slapped the switch back to “OFF” and slid over to the toilet.  Slid wouldn’t be the best terminology for it was impossible to slide on this floor.  The black and formerly white tiles were tourist tacked, making Reid thankful he still had enough wits about him to heed Gretchen’s advice.  Being slightly allergic to hops was now a major benefit.  The beer had effectively plugged his nose up just enough so he couldn’t smell the entire stench.  A slight whiff raped his nostrils.  Reid finished his business as fast as he could.
Hip met sink as he turned.  Most often, Reid made sure to wash his hands.  In here, Hell with a plunger, Reid’s slight Mysophobia swayed to the terror of unkempt bathroom fixtures. Significantly freaked, Reid gave up any thought of clean hands, figuring he’d get worse germs touching the sink than he ever could touching himself.
Reid got back to his customary seat at the bar.  Gretchen strolled over and smiled upon seeing Reid’s suddenly more sober face.
How was it?

Rest stops long forgotten by everyone except for joy riding teenagers and Jason Voorhies on 65 through Indiana are cleaner.  That was… the worst.  Thanks for the warning.  If there would have been a freak cold snap I would have been piss-glued to the floor.

flickr. creative commons license. Axel Buhrmann.

Wow.  It’s a good thing Delmar cleaned it up for the World Cuppers.  Yesterday it was far worse.

World Cuppers were moshing, giving each other blotchy puffy faces whacking each other down to the floor, or smashing foreheads together.  Exposing asses to those prone, the scene made a mark on the plus side for temporary blindness.

Why?

Gretchen laughed as she continued to serve, leaving Reid alone on his stool watching the Inebriation Olympics.

Chapter 20 10:50PM
You much of a traveler?

Reid had no more than ten seconds to himself before being megaphoned in his ear.  He steadied himself putting his right hand on the bar, gripping the counter.
Well?

Give me a chance to stop my fucking ears from ringing.  Do you have to shout?

Just fucking with you, bud.  Much of a traveler?

I’m here, aren’t I?

Don’t need to get all smart-assy on me now.  I’m just asking.

Reid’s attitude meter went back to the good side as Delmar’s decibels died down.
Guess so.

Where you been?

Anywhere I find interesting.

What, is it top-secret information?

No. Sorry. LA, San Francisco, Dallas, Aspen, Boulder, Atlanta, Boston, New York, Pittsburgh.

Reid stopped.  Delmar looked at his watch. Leaning over, he looked straight into Reid’s eyes.
Exactly want was it you found so fucking interesting in Pittsburgh?

Read the rest of this page »


Words about Marketing

Slot car races.  When I was a kid I would push in the control button until it got to the maximum acceleration the car could take to successfully negotiate all s-curves, x-tracks and the occasional loop without crashing.  In this manner, a vast majority of the time I would win.  My competition would always try to speed, go slow, speed again, whereupon their car would flip or crash.

flickr. creative commons license. Jeff Sandquist.

It’s called consistency, people. It’s how you win.


Book Burning

I am dead set against burning fiction, unless it is fiction cloaked in the evil armaments of memoirs or false non-fiction (complicated, I know).

While memoirs are not inherently evil, when placed in the biased and incapable hands of Karl Rove or his ilk, they become dangerous platforms for the ill-informed.  Same goes for non-fiction with a fictional bent, such as Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue.”  Fact-checking, not one of her best attributes, was poor at best with the most infamous gaffe being her attribute of a quote to basketball legend John Wooden to her “love of the land” prefacing the “Drill Baby Drill” section when in fact it was Indian activist John Wooden Legs talking about his ancestry.

creative commons licensed content. burn baby burn.

Rove, best known for his role as George Bush Junior’s buddy-at-large trolling around the White House as if he had anything positive to contribute at all, recently came out with his “memoir” called “Courage and Consequence” (both of which have somehow eluded him).  It is extremely hard to buy anything a man says who was once accused of wiretapping his own office as a means to demean the Texas Democratic Party during the 1986 Governor’s race for Texas.

A few days ago I was roving (pun totally intended) in my favorite Borders (favorite due to how they do their book displays, read on).  On the bottom shelf in the new books section was Karl Rove’s epic.  In another section “popular reading” sat Sarah Palin’s occupying the bottom shelf.  I really wanted to kick their books.  Really wanted to the point of being overwhelmed with the thought of kicking them off the shelf and stomping on them.  No, it is not mature, but then again neither are they.  Karl couldn’t even finish college (understood that is a nonsequitor, but screw it).

But I realized this was a good time for a book burning.  Provided the book isn’t worth the paper used for its printing, book burning becomes a natural way to rid society of needless tripe.   I am strongly suggesting to wait until these two pieces of literature go on the “90% off” shelf, buying a few copies, taking them home and having a good burn.  Make the burning useful.  Put them in an outside firepit and roast marshmallows.  Invite friends.  Do it in the fall and have an evening around the firepit.  Essentially, make the fire more useful than the books.

And let Karl and Sarah know the true value of their writing efforts.


Hope Springs a Turtle

Mitchell smiled as he pulled a long-handled flathead shovel from out of his F-150, recently painted a deep blue emblazoned with ochre Mitchell Landscaping Incorporated on its side along with phone number and website.

The ground gave way.  Springtime in Colorado, however brief it could be, successfully softened terra firma enough to allow early planting.  His seeds were planted a few short months ago.

nothing to do with the story, but thanks Karen for the critique. :)

Cattle moving from pasture to pasture.  Sheep pen to pen.  Sheep would do it, bleating their way over a cliff if necessary.  Not horses.  Never horses.  Too much drudgery for a horse.  A horse would refuse to move, not out of stubbornness, but sanity.

Gate number 27 was gate number three.  JFK had hijacked him for nearly three extra hours than he could handle.  Mitchell, redheaded with the aid of a quick temper and sour outlook, had a tolerance level running zero extra hours. His sandy red turned auburn by blood boiling at the base of his brain, Mitchell kept quiet for fear of getting the boot out of JFK and never reaching DIA.

Out loud, enough for him and the gate attendants to overhear.

Three freakin’ hours.  Three freakin’ hours.  Mother Fu…

The plaintive stares of gate attendants, AKA the humorless trio, stopped Mitchell’s muttering cold.  Loathing though he was of false profanity, he decided to stick with “freakin’,” as no one can butt you from JFK for freakin’ for freakin’ sakes,.

Gate 9 was the Chicago substitute Cincinnati.  The single stop.

Gate 39 was the Denver substitute Dallas.  The nonstop.

Gate 27’s scrolling L.E.D. led the cattle, ordinary Herefords all of them, to believe the herd’s destiny was actually Denver.  Truly, really Denver.  Home.

Mitchell que’d with the rest, another link of a chain in a serpentine pattern borne from too many displayed airport refugees throughout this day of intermittent storms crossing the great Midwest. The velvet red ropes (how old school elegant – ran out of the modern plastic black) and the airline’s stanchions moved to those in line’s desire, nary an attendant bold enough to jump into the corral amongst the angry cattle to straighten it out military-style.

He was now – after a brief stop, half step, slide luggage, repeat again and again for only 27 minutes – next in line.  The bitching, spewing from the Barbara Bushy impersonatress currently full throttle steaming at the counter, was at least entertaining.

I’ve been in this terminal since noon!

Read the rest of this page »


Do not use this product!

Having been uncomfortable sitting on one of my chairs at the island of my kitchen (does that sound like code for something?  I think it does), I decided to do something about it.  I bought this product.  I rubbed it in gently, sat back down.  Chair is still uncomfortable.  This product, Dulcolax Stool Softener, is fraudulent!


Olympic Update: French Hockey Star fires on Canadians

Antoine Delacroix, all-star defenseman for France’s ice hockey squad, vented his team’s poor showing – including a resounding 11-1 loss to Jamaica – on Canadians.

“Never have they mad a decision, these fence-sitting apologetic Franco-English.  Can’t even make a decent crepe.  Their crepes have the color of a rubber chicken and taste just as horrible.”

Slamming his designer gloves into his locker, he continued.  “Culture?  Their culture lies in the bottom of a yogurt cup.  Ceremony?  I spit on their ceremony.  The last time I saw an opening that terrible it was at a cut-rate Belgian house of whores.”

Peppered with questions like France’s part-time goalie and full-time Sous Chef Jean “one timer” Des Tombes, Delacroix answered each and every one including “so will you be coming back for a vacation?”

Cool as vichyssoise, Delacroix responded “but of course, I have family here.”


Olympic Highlight, Day 13 Giant Shalom

Tonight at 7pm, Central Standard Time, Rabbi Millstein and the Millsteinettes will gather in the Olympic Village Square.  They, along with the other 27 Jews in Vancouver will shout to the world a Giant Shalom.  This special event will be shown in HD on CNBC, channel 266.

At approximately 7:01pm, American Lindsey Vonn will begin her quest for a medal in the Women’s Giant Slalom.


Dateline Olympics: U.S. Olympic Committee head “Curling needs straightened out”

The current head of U.S.A. Winter Olympics, Joanie Brunetti, claimed today a complete re-do needs to be done for America’s Curling program.

“Obviously, it needs straightened out.  The front side we have strands of curling lovers banging up against one another.  On the back end, things are spiraling out of control.  Someone needs to straighten her out.  That person is me.”

Planning on combing through the mess from top to bottom, Brunetti exclaimed “certainly there will be some snarls and snags along the way, but it’s just not something you can brush over.”

Other Olympic Curling competitors echoed her sentiments.  Slovakian Team Captain Heron Updo told this reporter “Look, I am not one to cast the first stone at their glass house, but their program is beset with problems.  It’s false and no glue is going to keep that rug from being swept under.”

When told the Slovakian’s statement, Brunetti could only comment “What?  Whatever.  Tell him for me our changes, unlike theirs, will be permanent and no change will be coming from a bottle.  It’s time for the United States Curling program to get a complete makeover.  No stone will be left unturned, every strand will be conditioned for maximum success.”


Olympics Exclusive – S.O.A.P.S raises stink in wrong location

In a move designed to embarrass their neighbors’ efforts for a successful Olympiad, S.O.A.P.S (Saskatchewan Order Against Participatory Sports) began raising a stink against these Winter Olympics.

Starting by not bathing and living in an abandoned bear den for two months, the protesters arrived in the Olympic Village with intentions of an olfactory assault on all athletes.  Their first unfortunate target did not prove to to be a success as they attacked the French who felt nothing was amiss.

Onward they trekked to competitive sites.  Marching into the main arena, their odor was muted by the smell of week-old cheese curds awaiting the garbage disposal.  They left to set up a protest camp in the cross country section.  With a GPS in hand, the malodorous miscreants pitched their tents and fits.

Unfortunately they ended up on the wrong side of the Men’s Biathlon competition.  While the eventual medalists, skilled at precise shooting, were able to avoid S.O.A.P.S., the lone American with a chance to medal could not.  Ruly Obliterwitz, a sharpshooter from Northern Wisconsin, mistook the protesters as Laotians encroaching upon his hunting grounds.  Before he aimed to pick off a third one, Ruly was subdued by British Columbian Olympic Police Squad.

In unrelated news, the B-COPS will be performing their rendition of Y.M.C.A. complete with loaded weapons in the Olympic Arena for closing ceremonies.  Complimentary flack jackets will be handed out by the N.R.A.


Today’s Olympic Event – Women’s Curling

Women’s Curling is a relatively new and dramatically exciting sport.  At first the older male members of the International Olympic Committee felt women on the ice in a fetal position might be felt as sexist.  However, once they were told Women’s Curling would be merely an extension of the classic female sports Women’s Ironing and Women’s Vacuuming, they were won over.

The premier athlete of the sport is Olga Braun, a stout German woman, descendant of Eva Braun (who was known less of a curler, more of a proper of dictatorial idealogy).  Olga commands the ice as a tigress commands Siegfried and Roy, only her outfits are not as quite ornate.  A sweeper of the highest order, Olga sets a path like no one’s Elsa (her main European nemesis from the Austrian squad), bulking up on a diet of raw eggs, oysters and Little Debbie snack cakes.

flickr photo. creative license content from Wyoming Jackrabbit.


Next Page »