In a move designed to embarrass their neighbors’ efforts for a successful Olympiad, S.O.A.P.S (Saskatchewan Order Against Participatory Sports) began raising a stink against these Winter Olympics.

Starting by not bathing and living in an abandoned bear den for two months, the protesters arrived in the Olympic Village with intentions of an olfactory assault on all athletes.  Their first unfortunate target did not prove to to be a success as they attacked the French who felt nothing was amiss.

Onward they trekked to competitive sites.  Marching into the main arena, their odor was muted by the smell of week-old cheese curds awaiting the garbage disposal.  They left to set up a protest camp in the cross country section.  With a GPS in hand, the malodorous miscreants pitched their tents and fits.

Unfortunately they ended up on the wrong side of the Men’s Biathlon competition.  While the eventual medalists, skilled at precise shooting, were able to avoid S.O.A.P.S., the lone American with a chance to medal could not.  Ruly Obliterwitz, a sharpshooter from Northern Wisconsin, mistook the protesters as Laotians encroaching upon his hunting grounds.  Before he aimed to pick off a third one, Ruly was subdued by British Columbian Olympic Police Squad.

In unrelated news, the B-COPS will be performing their rendition of Y.M.C.A. complete with loaded weapons in the Olympic Arena for closing ceremonies.  Complimentary flack jackets will be handed out by the N.R.A.

While not widely acknowledged as being the unisex salon of sports, both men and women curl together on a plate of ice.  This heralded sport, not known amongst most Americans, has specific positions key to victory.  One such position is the Sweeper.

flickr photo. creative license content from Wyoming Jackrabbit.

Canada’s team recruited one of the finest.  Known for her skills with a broom from her continual membership in the Wiccan Order, this glorified witch came from Alaska.  The Olympic Committee, knowing full well Curling needed all of the publicity it could get, allowed this American to join the Canadian Curlers.  Her name?  Sarah Palin.

Her legendary sweeping pattern being able to shove aside longstanding Republicans as well as any and all logical thought propelled her to the top of the Canadian Curling competitors.  It must be noted she was unable to join the United States team as they already had their Sweeper, Nancy Pelosi, in place.

Today rubenesque women with more junk in their trunk than an independent contractor vie for a chance to crush the medal stand.

One competitor stands out.  Olga Noleanski McFattus, a Polish girl raised in Scotland, is the senior member of the United Kingdom’s Olympic team.  Cracking the scales (and ice) at 420 pounds, her skills on skates are unmatched.  Size 4 dainty feet enable her to spin so fast she bores a clean circle right through the ice, plugging up the hole with her largess.

She gives new meaning to the term “double sow-cow.”